Saving Sammy

         Too early to post this months Sunday Reflections but it seemed like an obligatory action to do so. Since the peak of the hype 13 Reasons Why and the increase of Mental Health Awareness, I prompt to write by sharing my voice. Yet it wasnt enough to convince me to fully understand the core of depression until one evening, when my Twitter is filled with negativity. #FML I realized that no matter how curated or truly happy one person is, depression chooses no one. It harms its victims slowly. It tortures ones mindset and ones esteem in an addicting waya way where escape is invisible. You know whats worse than being stuck? Its how it passes on to another person to another to another.

         In a world full of misogynists, rapists, sexists, racists, and pessimists, we could all be Hannah Bakera suicidal yet sweet person; defenseless, altruistic, and unspirited. When we thirst for encouragement, laughter, care, respect, and approval these people (mentioned above) give us slut-shaming, victim-blaming, and insensitive catcalling or schemes of the like. These people dont direct it on us but through manipulative careless construction of words believed by the majority. At first they gain our trust, then break us, generalize us, and spread rumors that are actually based on their characteristics (i.e. whore, bitch, slut. Sorry for the terms.) Sometimes we feel blinded by the reality that we are loved just because we face an outrage of disgrace from people who don't even know us to the point that we become so damaged even if we cry for help consistently on the wrong people. We crave for their acceptance even if in reality, we don't matter in their lives because their lives don't even matter to them. This is the first type of Hannah Baker.

         The second type is where the majority falls underno signs and symptoms of depression. At least you thought! When faced with an obstacle, here appears different form of expressions we ought not to encounter but still cant escape. Sometimes I wish happiness is as contagious as depression. If I smile, people smile. If Im happy, I pass on that bright and warm feeling to the other. If Im sad, give me a slice of cheese pizza, Id be happy again. Sometimes I wish that when we smile, our problems fade; twisted as it is, the opposite happens: people fade because of problems. I wish that we could feel better as soon as we accept that we're stronger than our situation. But nodepression is mistaken this way that when you reward someone to avoid the feeling in order to make the person feel better is actually making it worse. Depression also comes in a form that when youre aware that you are in that state, no matter what kind of satisfaction you give yourself, you know your problem is unsolvable. Its there: If you resolve a conflict good, but welcome to the next level. You believe that no matter what you do, it's a part of your life, therefore you bear a life of suffering and do nothing about it.

         Yet we are not here to point out the reality. We are here because someone understands us. No other than Jesus Christ, Himself. Now if youre going to click exit because we dont share the same faith or you just dont buy this kind of sunshine in a capsule or you need to be spared from another homily, "its Sunday after all!" then feel free to do so. Yet I encourage you to read until the end of this post. Let me ask questions first: have you ever felt trapped in a punishment you did not deserve to have? Have you ever felt betrayed by your peers or family? Have you felt like youre the only one carrying a big cross or burden only to face death? Have you felt ashamed that you only want good things to happen for you and for everyone but then everyone said it is justice to have you suffer? Have you asked yourself why the world feels so cruel around you? Have you felt like God let you down because of all people, why do you have to take so much pain? What have you ever done to Him that disappointed Him so much? Is there any? Or are you paying for someone elses mistake/s? If not you, do you know someone undergoing the same trauma in your lifeyour sister, your mother, your brother, your father, your friend, your coworker, etc?
         So youre still here because you can relate with these questions. Let me tell you this: Its exactly how Jesus felt when he was crucified when it was Barnabas who deserved to bear the consequence. His suffering started from the Agony in the Garden where He cried tears of blood. (Don't get me wrong, Jesus is not depressed, but He felt what we feel.) He asked his Father, “Why me? Do I really have to do this? Do I have to face these sinners? He doesnt have to but He loves us, he doesnt want us to go to hell so He spared us from that dark fate. Okay I know what your responses are now If he doesnt want us to face hell, why does my life feel like hell right now? or Well, Im not God. I cant love everyone. I dont have that heart to love and save everyone! I just want to have a peaceful yet average but fulfilling life. Why attack me odepression? My response is, its because right after His death and Salvation, people didnt stop doing bad things. What we are facing now is the effect of evilthe wrongdoings humans are still feeding into. When Jesus is being tortured, He did not stop healing peoplethose who come to Him and believe Him. He knows what youre going through. Sometimes these struggles we have today are a simple reminder to save usto never forget Him who he understands, loves, and saves us. That He will grant us the peace we need in the future as soon as we accept the strength and wisdom He has in store for us. Let us trust Him!
         One homily, I recall that most of my loved ones encounter these feelings before I dont deserve this burden! I dont deserve this life! Of course you deserve to live, you deserve to love and be loved. This burden is just temporary as soon as you accept the fact that it is and the only way is to move forward. Dont stay in your problems, dont chill in your comfort zone, and dont fade in the process.

         My message is this: have faith no matter what the struggle is. I know right now it sounds like impossibility for you to overcome such heaviness but youll pass through it. Just pray. Dont ask for an easier life or problem, instead ask for stronger bones.  In the process, youll discover answers about who you are and how your situation is to be celebrated.

         Let me share you my recent experience. Last week, I committed suicide. Its a long story cut short. I wanted to end my life to send a message to everyone. I wanted to die to cause pain and trauma for the ones that caused this trouble to me without realizing that these people wont be affected at all. Theyll simply move on and forget that I existed. Who will face the agony of losing me? The people who love methe same people who will do everything, donate anything, give whatever they have in order to save my life. For some reason of not breathing for 25 minutes, I am still alive. In that process, I saw darkness before the life I could have had flashed right before my eyes. During the point of death, all I said was Forgive me Lord and His response is I forgive you, but LIVE! And He breathes into my body; I resurrected from that death, not feeling better but saved. As if I deserve to undergo the same fate of suicide attemptsdeath. After a long haul of convincing, Saving Sammy (Suicidal Tammy) was born. And I realized how many people are affected that I could have left this world with a promising future. If you identify yourself, then I pass this Saving Sammy post! Read it with your heart.
         If you know someone who needs a friend, message me. If you are suicidal (like me) reach Hopeline at (02) 804-4637; 0917-5584673; and 2919 for Globe and TM subscribers.

         God Bless you my dear reader!
Saving Sammy Saving Sammy Reviewed by Michelle Tan on 8:50 PM Rating: 5

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