Sally’s Suicide Letter

Dearest Reader,

Just by reading the title, you know what this is about. Dont be fooled however, there is more to it than it seems. I am not encouraging you to do the same but Ill tell you a few things I learned before The End. First, refrain from calling me coward because I did everything I could to fight this. Today is not the first calling I have encountered. There was when I was eleven when kids my age dunk me at the toilet. There was a time when I was fifteen because I had braces and a hobo hair. There was a time when I was almost seventeen when my first love broke my heart. Followed by a series of more encounters that now we call history. Today, I called Suzy to ask if she and I could meet up and chat a few minutes. She refused saying shes busy, maybe some other time. I then called Margot for the same thing and she said she already made plans with her boyfriend. I called Sammy and Pammy, the sisters, and asked what their plans for the day was. They said theyre watching a movie Guns and Roses at an old theater at west side street. Second, it might be a story relatable to any person of any age. Third, reading this story might be a waste of time... you might not even go to my funeral or simply scroll into the newsfeed when you see RIP and my name on it. What the heck, though, I know for some reason that you might be behind this.

Weekend to me is like a weekday but allotted for myself. This morning, I woke up at four a.m. knowing that it might be another hopeful day. I prayed to God that I would be safe for the entire day. I jogged around the villa at five and cooked breakfast for myself. Suddenly I felt nauseous. The TV is on, I could tell, but the audio goes hysterical. The Lorax singing becomes like a messed up dress rehearsal on theater. I fell to the ground. By nine I woke up by the sudden pain I feel at my left knee and noticed the six a.m. waffles on the floor; milk slightly spilled on the floor and on the table. I checked my Messenger hmmm, no notifications, no messages; as if Im expecting anything from anyone. I checked my emails Congratulations to the Top 3 Students of the Batch and I ranked first in all courses. Another email said, We have received your intention to apply as intern for our company and we are pleased to say that you are more than welcome to join us! At least two emails said, Hey I read your article! Great angle! or How to be you? Took a quick shower and watched the people out from the bathroom window. One kid is dribbling his basketball, one girl is strolling her dog, and one man is hosting his lawn. Wore a sleek nude dress and black ballet flats and went to the drugstore. I put BB cream, lemons, soya milk, cookies and cream ice cream, a random one-dollar notebook, Kirkland Vitamin C and sleeping pill to my cart and paid for the items. I walked around town to make sure I get at least 15, 000 steps a day. I witnessed Suzy and Margot together with my ex-lover Timothy at a random pizza parlor. Oh don't blow your cover and move on! A sudden pinch on my chest comes haunting me. I scroll on my notification to chat my friends but I came across Alex's story with another girl... I thought that we're together? Oh God no this isn't happening... Not today. I'm not replaced by a better girl. Oh! I better turn off my cellular data. I binge eat the ice cream tub from my drugstore shopping and shove them in my mouth. I hate this feeling! I better go home.

Lost track of time. Im definitely doing this! But first, I wrote all my social media password and accounts on a notebook, as well as my bank account, and sealed them on an envelope addressing to Veronica, my sister. Took my camera that I use for photography shoots and my tape recorder for interviews in my part-time job in a magazine. Press start: Hey. If youre listening or watching this, youre probably too late. I assume that you already know what happened to me or are looking for clues as to what lead me to do it. The fact that I intend to do this doesnt mean I have all the plans for this cause. I have dreams too. Some came true, some are just for the sake of getting by. To Sarah, you definitely need to listen and stop treating us like children just because you are older. To Timothy, you jerk! Stop spreading rumors that we made out several times and that I gave my virginity to you. You disgust me. To Alex, youre a two-faced person with unclear intentions. The reason why Im so hurt is because I loved you so much even when youre wrong I made a fool out of myself again and again. Stop gaining girls hearts, hopes, and trusts just to get to their skirts. I hope after this, no girl would be a fool for you; no girl would be harmed by you. To America, thank you for showing me what a true friend is. I have a lot to say but I guess it will be more interesting to tell you things about the afterlife. To Veronica my sister I love you. I dont like what dad and Joe did to us. Im really sorry for doing this. But if I continue living, I will harm everyone I love by my wilting, undoing, and downfall. I hate it when people only accept and love you for your best self and fear your worst version. At least you met Jordan, your One True Love. Thats not the story for me. Ive been broken again and again by my disappointments. To all who have their dreams set high for me, I thank you for praying for me as hard as I do to keep me going and Im sorry because I disappointed you. I had dreams that came true. I won first place in a writing contest, I became a part of a magazine staff, I topped all courses this semester, what more could I ask? My dream as a beauty queen with killer dancing moves and a back-to-back championship on beauty contests might not be for me. I have battled with the issues regarding my body and weight. I guess the reason why I don't have long-term goals is because I don't have a future at all. Call me stupid but believe me I came with the best terms to resolve this calling, for everyday in my life. For the people I inspire that felt down after hearing the news, keep going. I wish I had what you have which is hope. You still have it, claim it, and be it! To all Sallys out there, we wont be forgotten. I am doing this not because I couldnt keep up, but I guess I no longer belong to the society I am not welcomed with. I feel selfish for admitting that I feel unappreciated, unloved, unwanted, and utterly replaceable. Im sorry for choosing not to be saved. I teared from my video and pressed stop.

 I covered the small spaces in my room so no air could enter nor escape. I cried for a moment and said, Forgive me Lord, but Im not as strong as this obstacle you gave me. Im sorry for disappointing you.Took a glass of cold water for one last time and lay down the bed. I covered some plastic on my head then buried my face with my fluffy pillow. I pressed the pillow hard on my face and counted one to sixty. At the thirtieth count, I hear my heart beat intensify and feel my fingertips cold. My feet begin to wobble. I stopped counting when I gasped for more air and focused on my arm hair getting goose bumps. The answering machine is beeping every five seconds from people who might be looking for me. I rejected the temptation to answer. My brain hears dead silence and even when Im lying down, my head spins in circles. I am closer. And closer. There is no going back. My body is getting cold but my face is getting warm. I attempt to resist breathing. An extreme burst from my veins occurred and I feel both accomplishment and regret from my last action.

You know what they say before dying that you see your entire life flash before your eyes. That's not true. What I saw is the future. It started from the moment they discovered my lifeless body. Then to a funeral where a few people attended to. Then to all the people who were affected by the incident and how they quickly moved on and I was forgotten. Another version is what could have been my life. A month later my "supposed attempt" I turned twenty one and everyone that mattered greeted me on social media. Two months later I was announced Ms. Accounting Ambassador of Goodwill. Two months later back-to-back championship as I was hailed Ms. University. Then I was graduating with honors at twenty-two. At twenty three I met a guy who I became intensely close with. A few flashes Veronica married Jordan. America is engaged with her boyfriend. I was volunteering for environmental projects and charity works at my free time. I gained my first million at twenty five and retired at my first job to pursue my own business. Some flashes of "suicidal phenomenon" still comes at the future but I answered them with resilience. 

For some reason, every death conveys a message. Until the killings do not stop, so does the cycle that keeps feeding on its victims. My death tells that no matter how physically and mentally healthy you are, depression wont choose you as an exception.

Sally (the soul)

PS The body perishes but the soul lives. I wish I could say that Im still here.
Sally’s Suicide Letter Sally’s Suicide Letter Reviewed by Michelle Tan on 7:08 PM Rating: 5

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