Its been three weeks now since I have been avoiding looking at the watch every 3:32 pm especially on Fridays. I know its been that long because my flabs starts going back my arms and coreso long since my last workout. No day came that no tears come unshed, recited a prayer, and called her namenot because my fats are back. Wish that this is all a nightmare and Ill be waking up in a snap. Moms death shocked my family, friends, relatives, and youbecause Im finally telling you my long absence in this blog. After October 21st this year, I know that its what comes after that would hurt the mostthe heartbreak of most heartbreaks, the deepest part of Marianas Trench, and the beginning of a life without someone to look out for.

Whenever people ask me what my mom does for a living, I say shes a flight attendant/ purser. People promptly joke, So thats where you get your supermodel looks. And I quickly diss those comments by sharing grand travel adventures I experience and tips from every country and culture Ive emerged with.
What Ill miss the most about her is her hugs, kisses, tickles, and special treatment from her during flights (when she sneaks Doritos, butter, or other airplane goods on my pocket). When we I wake up from a power nap on a flight, Ill be surprised to see a bowl of hot Aroz Caldo soup at my table. Or when she arrives home from a long flight, shed embrace us tightwhile Im savoring her chilled uniform with a scent of foreign country. Now shes on her longest flightshes home in the sky, with God. While I still wonder when Ill get her hug again, her memories will remain within every one who loves her.

         Whenever I think of the happy moments I have with her, all that follows is realizing what we had left. Like when our last flight to Hong Kong, she had fourteen months left. Who knew it would be her last Halloween, Christmas, and  New Year last year, and a list of last Birthdays with each one of us this yearexcept for my kuya, hes celebrating on the 20th this month, almost a day early before moms first month. Her last birthday this Feb when she claimed 56, she accompanied me at my first casting this yeara week after when I bagged a modeling spotlight, she felt happy for me for winning Most Charming Model award. She mentioned that she have fever that day and was maltreated by the events handler when she only needed to take a seat. Starting July, I started accompanying her weekly checkups at the Cardinal Santos Medical Center in the hopes of getting her illness (Leukemia and Pneumonia) into a halt. All we ever wanted was for her recovery the quickest was possible. We needed sufficient help, but got rude doctors who came late as always.

         During the wake, got some of her friends and relatives visit; some I just met that day. What they had in common was to tell me epic stories about mom. Got a lot of condolence messages from people in social mediaquite frankly, it doesnt help soothe the ache, or help me appreciate your concern, but Im thankful for everyone who cared at us. What I wanted was to be visited personally and be hugged and comforted not only from the loss but also because mom also wanted to see how many people also cared for her children. However, I refused to feel that way since the funeral wasnt about me at all. To those who came, most of the things I vented were something like:

         No one will ever be ready to lose his or her own mother. Feeling utterly unfair, to lose her when Im not even a quarter from the (average human) lifespan. By the time I reach forty, thats half of my life without herno hugs, no kisses, no tickles, no I love yous, no replies from her, and no one waiting for me to arrive home.

         Coincidentally the last book I read (when she was still alive) was Neil Gaimans Coraline. The plot goes that theres an other mother on a portal door Coraline discovered at her new home. However perfect it seemed, her true mother will always be irreplaceable. Thats my rated G storyline for a morbid horror tale of the novel turned animated film. Going to my point, she shared to me great storiesnot necessarily fairy tales, which influenced or piqued my imagination or how I get my ideas for my blog stories. She also loves having her photos taken (before she started drastically losing weight in 2015-2016) and loves taking pictures too; One reason why I got into modeling. We also agreed that music in her generation rocks and (not to betray fellow Millennials but) ours sucks! On the contrary, modern medicine and design tops the notch for the tie of both generations. 

         When she asked what I want for Christmas, I joked Php 20,000.00 for an investment. She replied what would I do with that investment, I replied I was kidding just your presence will be enough! She rarely spends Christmas with us because of her flight schedules, which is why its my best request from her. But boy it would be a joy to have that 20 grandmy real reply to her question was to buy a camera lens. Its in order to capture better photos and perhaps monetize her kids talents (mine in modeling and my sisters in photography) someday. Im sure shed adore the teamwork we have in that area. The other issue I bargain with is if this blog will continue? Of course it will. Problem is if my domain expires since she pays for my .com.

         Sorry it took this long to write only a few words for my dearly beloved mother. Would've bargained for more time with you, but God has better plans for sure. For now, it wont be the final thoughts I have with her and Im still praying for her.

Mama Mama Reviewed by Michelle Tan on 2:43 PM Rating: 5

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