In May, I Pray

What do I wish for at the moment? Admittedly I’d have to say money, success, love, peace and self-actualization. However, KOKOLOGY (Japanese Study) mentioned, “ The things you actually wish for are those you believe you cannot achieve or have.” Put these wishes on scrap. I need God. 
Artwork by Unkown Artist | Source from Tumblr.

Out of the blue, I remembered writing on a sheet of paper “I Will be God’s Instrument” and it got published on our High School yearbook. Looking back, I regret going to college because of the de-sloping faith I had. First is the lack of enthusiasm to attend Sunday masses. Second is my absence in divine feast days. Third, I became a religious sloth—only praying at night (when I’m available and utterly vulnerable.) 

At sixteen (still in high school), I had high hopes for my college life—a balanced academic life, extracurricular, work, social, and holistic life. Today, confused with what really happened back then. College got me broken all over—financially, socially, and even in my family. Chased every opportunity, saying ‘yes’ to every people and demands (from college) until I forgot my identity. Witnessed an enormous crowd of friends one by one turn their backs away, got my heart broken by fifteen boys, while still holding on to my Academic life. I remember the nuance of constantly changing myself in order to get appreciated by people who never saw my worth as a person but my flawed areas (that actually makes me special.) Okay to be honest these things did not really broke my soul because I still have my seemingly untouched string still attached with God. I love Him so much, because no matter how depressing my situation is or how overflowing my cries are, God never turned His back from me. 

There is also one incident last week. I was walking along the streets of Manila when a bus, a running motorcycle, and a taxi almost hit me. All happened in a day but not at the same time. Foolishly convincing myself “hey, I don’t care if I die,” BUT still freaking out with how reckless Filipino drivers are and how indifferent I was to myself. There was also a pathetic phase I had where I watched "crocodile attacks" in youtube and wonder what hurts more than "The Death Roll". While watching the news or scrolling through my News Feed, my reactions to death was "I wish it were me." I wonder what ghosting felt like or escaping reality is. Yet this is not a permanent solution to "seeing or being" with Him, I say. The more haters will celebrate for a death (of an enemy) they didn't expect. There came a transition when I realized that “I’m not myself anymore” as if I’m trapped in a well-functioning nineteen-year old body, without purpose. From that bitter realization, I stepped into the zone where I say, “Hey, I want to be me! I want to live. I care not about the criticisms and judgments anymore. I will dive, cry, drive, walk, run, and jump—BREAK FREE! I’ll make choices—mistakes might happen but later I will succeed. Nope, I won't make it easier for the haters by merely dying. My time with God will happen... eventually my sweet success in life is vengeance to their ego.”

My God is not my Genie that grants me three wishes; He is someone I could cry over and would rant over my issues about the world. Sometimes, I get disappointed when he refuses my prayer. In a span of three years in College, however lost I happened to be, I am not His disappointment; He loves me. I have wishes denied; but my hopes and dreams will happen for sure.

What do I pray for?  I pray for His Best plans implemented at the right time. Impatiently, I want to unlock each of them now, but today I wait. The person I must trust now is God—for He will give me the strength to bear more obstacles, the diligence and trust to listen to myself while taking an exam/solving a conflict, the courage to do what is right and just. 
Reposting from Elisa Aquino (Thunder Pop Cola)

Bottom line: it was a great month last April. A lot happened after a nine-day novena to St. Jude and God, here’s a recap of my personal life—a friend turned out to be an enemy, an enemy became a friend, a lover became a stranger, strangers became bloggers, bloggers became network, an exam became an achievement an hard work became a result. I’m proud of every little thing that happened last month. April is the month I complete my teenage years. As I unlock ‘May,’ I shall open a new milestone in my life. I’d file enormous plans and request God to grant them all. Yet, my biggest prayer is to have the serenity to accept whatever happens, the patience I need to get there, and the wisdom I need to live. Among all desires out there and the dreams that are waiting to happen, I Pray that my relationship will God may last forever.

In May, I Pray In May, I Pray Reviewed by Michelle Tan on 8:07 PM Rating: 5

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