Disaster Date

By Michelle Tan
~For Emmyrey Calayag.
Charlie is a wonderful name. He is known to be exploring the Chocolate Factory, to becoming a character starred by Zac Efron. But now, she's a quirky girl who finds herself in a quest between who she is and who she wants. I love you! This is for you.

            My name is Charlie. Nope, I am a girl. G-I-R-L. Girl.

            Everyone is mistaken me for becoming a boy for two reasons: first, my name is usually identified for the boy kind; second, I have been sporting a girl haircut for three years time, and for some reason, nobody ever knew why I switched my hair from my sleek, straight locks to a short clean cut. Here's the spill. I've hated all the boys I dated before because they are my ultimate deal breakers.

 Photo by

BOY #1: Sebastian Samuels.
-A.K.A. Sibs
-Loves sports, going to the library, swimming
-Batch photographer

            I have a crush on Sibs five years ago, when I was sixteen back then. He has this love for collecting things like action figures, comic books, ticket stubs, clothes, accessories, and almost everything. My friend, Emma blind dated me with him since they both are members of the photography club.

            On one July afternoon, I went to Burger King to "get-to-know-him" by, but I was five minutes earlier. Boy I've wished I left home and made myself a sandwich instead.


            Apparently, I never told anyone that I have a secret phobia for frogs, thanks to Kermit the Frog. My childhood was ruined because of it. I'm not saying that to destroy The Muppets, but I just want to share some things I never told anyone before. When I was three, my mother gave me my very first handkerchief with a number of faces of Kermit smiling at me, and the rest of it is framed with an orange hue.

I don't understand why people find this frog "adorable"
            "Char, baby. I am giving you your very first hanky! It's for emergency purposes, honey. If you want to blow your nose or cough or wipe yourself, King Kermit's to the rescue!" And my mom nears the hanky to my mouth area to wipe my leftovers. The sight of a minion of Kermit heading towards my mouth gave me a thought of them wanting to enter my throat and just wobble in there forever. Some might want to risk their way towards my heart and say "Yippie! First to her heart." and rip my hearts through their wrinkled fingers and started to gnash its way to torture. Some will want to stay in my brain to make their face register to my thoughts for the rest of it. A NIGHTMARE, indeed.
            Supposedly, my original name was Charmaine but my aunt misheard everything so she named me Charlie, instead, since I looked like a boy when I was a baby. Plus, it's a great thing my mom called me Char.
            Back on the story, while waiting for him, I pre-ordered myself a jumble jaw-breaking cheeseburger to gobble up later. Forgive me, I haven't eaten my dinner, yet. I've waited for him for two minutes and finally, I saw Sibs' silhouette at the glass door.
            Sibs started to search its way to me wearing a Kermit frog tees. I began to wonder why the heck he'd wear a disturbing t-shirt on his date with me. Is he insulting me?
            "Hi. I love cartoons. I hope you like my shirt." Sibs mouthed his preach. I didn't give him a nod nor did I shake my head. I just sit still, never swallowing a river of saliva in my mouth. Who am I, the Frog Prince's date? Is Sibs planning to give the first base at me? NEWSFLASH, not now, not in his shirt, not ever!
Don't Suicide shirt makes me do the opposite. Photo by Google

            He began talking again.
            "Everyone knows that I love cartoons, right? And I've dated several amounts of ladies. I found myself thinking that I have worn every shirt on my closet but this one. I hope you understand."
            Why is he saying that he has dated many girls at the past? Am I someone to brag things about? Clearly, it's my first casual date with anyone, and clearly Emma didn't find me a great date tonight.
            "Actually, I don't mind a guy wearing a shirt all over again. I find it rather, cute, you know."
            "Really? I knew I should have worn my Superman tees."
            I wished the same thing. He continues talking as I stare at Kermit staring back at me. Kermit, WHERE do I start? You give me shivers... You think you're cute but you look pathetic in wanting everyone's attention. And what's that on your neck? An inverted crown? You're not the king of the jungle you know, but I consider you like a beast. I hate you.
            "CHARLIE!" Sibs face looked confused. "Are you even listening to what I am saying?" I gave him a blank face, and he mutters, "I'll just show them to you."
            Sebastian opened his black doctor-ish kind of bag, and one by one he revealed his action figures and set them on the table on a very observable formation. I saw green stuff. Oh My Lord, Jesus Christ, what is Kermit the Frog doing as an action figure? I wish Sibs would have stopped placing his figurines in front of me, but he is placing all of his toys at the table, I HATE MY LIFE AND WHERE I AM NOW.
            "Oh, I didn't know that the world is selling Kermit Figurines."
            "They are not figurines, they are action figures. Not toys! For display only."
            "Then why have you brought them here? I know they could've appreciated it that they are just being exhibited at your home. And I know they don't want to get sloppy at Burger King, right?" I reckoned on the best excuses for him to shovel them back at his bag. It's very disturbing that I have an army of Kermit Frogs at the table and one big mastermind Kermit on his shirt watching my every move. What can go worse?
            "You're right, I haven't thought of that Charlie, thanks." He slipped all of his figurines into his bag, as my pre-order came. Thank God. Although I think I don't have much appetite for the jumbo burger.
            I couldn't take my first bite since the big Kermit is still staring at me.
            "Isn't it getting colder?" I gave him a subtle suggestion to cover his annoying t-shirt with something else. A leather jacket perhaps. He said he has a good number of collections from London.
            "Great idea Charlie, you're so smart!" Then he grabbed his gray dotted jacket. Oops, those are not just green dots, but KERMIT'S faces all over again.
            "You like it? I figured to bring some with me, since I know that if I might not show you my action figures, you might want to see his different emotions." He points out every Kermit face with different expressions. I sure do wish that there were one choked face of Kermit in all the faces. If only I have the guts to touch them. It bothers me that he did not zipped his jacket. The big Kermit still stares at me with victory.
            I looked back on my burger and imagined that Kermit's face was in it. An army of them, wanting to be parasites of my body, as the host, as they want to enter on every opening they can find. I am truly disgusted.
            "I'm uncomfortable." I said, and ran towards my way home.
            I didn't care what he thinks or what I intend to do, but I am truly turned off.

            The next day, the whole school knew of what kind of a date I was: A ditching b*tch, Sibs said. He really wanted to take me out until my attitude came out yesterday. My crush hates me. I don't think I would like to date childish guys again.
              I started having Kermit nightmares again. Same is true with dating, it was a long time for me to recover once again and be asked out again.

One of my nightmares when a giant Kermit chased me. It all began when he inhaled a large amount of Chlorine Gas

            It was long enough for me to move on until I started to fall in love again.

Boy #2: Lawrence Silverstone.
-A.K.A. Rence
-Animal lover
-Sweet guy
-I met him through a mutual friend

            I never hated animals; in fact, I always come with Lawrence at the Animal Care Center and talk about things there. We wash abandoned cats, dogs, rabbits, and other sort of pets there. He is blonde, with brown eyes, muscular and tall. He is a prince charming type of guy, if you ask me. After a few months of casual talk, he asked me out to date me on the park. It's a casual thing, but not usual for me.
            That day.
            "Charlie, meet Crunchy! He wants to walk with us at the park" He named his white Siberian Husky Crunchy? Really?
            "Hi Cranky!" It barked at me.
            "It's Crunchy!" Even if Rence scolded me, his voice is so angelic that it reminded me to be a good girl during our first date.
            We strolled towards the park. I like the feeling of this scenery--the stream is so peaceful, the sky is blue and the cloudy weather makes me beam on the guy on my left.
            "I really like you Charlie. I find you very special." We stopped for a while but Crunchy peed on my shoes. "Bad boy," he scolds. "Sorry about that, dear. I really wished that I left him at home, but mom is out so no one could watch over him."
            I wiped my shoes with tissue I have been stocking inside my bag for decades. "It's okay, I understand. My dog, Prada, poops at my bed sometimes."
            "You named your dog, Prada? So cute! She's a girl, right?" I nodded. How could we be so perfect for each other? We started walking again.
            "I'm sure Cranky would love to see Prada some time." I placed my finger at his forehead then hi bit me.
            "He's angry because you keep on calling him Cranky." Crunchy pours his doey eyes on his owner.
            "I'm sorry Crunchy." Then it gave me a bad look; a furious one.
            We bought ourselves some ice cream, and suddenly Crunchy licked my ice cream.
            "It's my favorite, cookies and cream!"
            "Sorry about that Charlie. Here, you can have mine." Crunchy licked Rence's ice cream, too. His was chocolate. "Oh no, you have a brown spot on your face." He told to his dog, and gives him baby talk.
            It is confusing for me to wonder why Crunchy disliked me so much. I love dogs, but what makes this one special is its nuisance. But I forgive his dog; I mean, I accept everything about Rence. We are perfect for each other. I would not let his dog come between our way in our future relationship.
            We talked and laughed and cuddled a bit. Just like Stripe and Yellow in Hope For the Flowers. He's like no other. He walked me towards my front door.
            "I had a great time. I love hanging out with you. Until next time?" I uttered.
            "Yeah, sure, why not?" He has this smile that made my heart leap for more beats. "Crunchy, say goodbye to my dear, Charlie." It growled at me. Its saliva is drooping.
            "Bye Crunchy. I had a great time, really."
            "Me too." He smiled at me, and hugged me so tightly.
            His dog ran onto the left direction, so Rence was forced to leave immediately. "Until next time?" I nodded. His dog reminded me of the pet in The Proposal Movie starring Sandra Bullock. The way Sandra was annoyed by the dog, and tried to feed it by the dog-eating eagle. Though, I wasn't that morbid. I have a pet dog, too. I mean, my sister has, but whatever. It is still considered my pet.
            I went inside my house and Prada barked angrily at me. What is it with dogs today? Truth is, I fear them, those animals who are capable of killing, or standing out on their own without humans. I don't fear the ones injured, though. Why is it that when I date guys, they always bring my worst fears?

            I waited for his text. I wondered if he was thinking of me. I think I am in love.

            The next time I revisited the Center, I saw Rence. He wasn't moving. I think he didn't even notice me. I stood up and went towards him. "Hi," I said. He just smiled. It's over, I thought. No, there's still hope, one of my optimistic thoughts regained my courage.
            "How are you?" I asked.
            "I'm okay. Crunchy didn't like you. I don't date girls who Crunchy hates."
            "I see. But we like each other, you know. We have perfect chemistry."
            "That's crap, Charlie. I'm sorry about everything. You could have been my girl but Crunchy is a part of the family. And he matters to me most." I nearly cried for this one but I just thought of saying fine, date and marry your dog. Anyway, he'll give you love and security when you grow old, right? He'll give you what your happiness states until your heart's content. Instead, I returned the cheek onto him.
            "I know. You could have been my guy. I know how much Crunchy matters to you. Unfortunately, it has to end." What the heck is he! Childish. I thought he was a guy like any other. Again, I was wrong

            So you now know why I am sporting a bob cut. Okay, fine, I might seem reckless about chopping my "princessy" locks into an almost bald cut. I'm not turning into Mulan in being China's greatest hero. It's just that I wasn't ready to have my heart treated badly by Mr. Wrongs. I've changed. I am twenty-one but still, I look like a fifteen year old skater dude who wants nothing but to get out of the way. Yet, my mind fills in the thoughts of "What-ifs" and tried to picture what it might have been like if I ended up with one of them...DISASTER!


BOY #3: Peter Cummings
-A.K.A. Peter Cummings
-Simple guy
-My one and only

            Coincidentally, he was there on both of my dates: with Sibs and with Rence. Somewhere at the background dating his Ms. Wrongs, too. We met through a job interview. He was heartbroken by this girl, and evidently, I was broken hearted by this guy. Different people. That was a very competitive time, both depressed and so competitive. Yet, as the top two talented designers in town, it is expected that we will try our best to land into the most reputable company in town. Well, I was hired immediately after the interview because he gave me his slot instead. And that was when I started growing my hair, again.
Disaster Date Disaster Date Reviewed by Michelle Tan on 4:14 PM Rating: 5

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