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Heartbreak Diaries Part 1: Don't Deny It!

Heartbreak Diaries Part 1
By Michelle Tan


NOTICE: I don't care if my relatives or everyone can read this. I am taking the risk of people knowing what happened between the two of us, my first love but failed story. Just telling how awful it was to sink and to recover back once you fell into love's sickest traps. Enjoy!

April 5, 2013

And so...it ends here.
Our promises, our dreams, our story, our unity; Tonight, it's nothing already. All the sweet memories, all the stupidity, all the warnings, and the faded efforts mean nothing and wasted.

            In bed, I stumbled myself all over again, the sheets are on the floor. I looked back at my phone to check if you changed your mind. No new text message. I bursted into tears again and played that song you gave me, and tapped it. Mayday Parade's Bruised and Scarred.

            The lyrics made sense now. I thought it was another happy heart broken song, but how can one heart rejoice during their quest of self-introspection and soul searching from the confusion it all gives. The day you gave me the song, it might have been a foreshadowing of this day. A voice whispered into my ears "Next year, you'll be okay. By that time, you have found your true love. He's way better than the one you are moping about now; He's all you ever wanted and needed. He will be yours. Just wait." I hope so. Maybe it's just a hallucination, but I hope she's right, even if it's a mere bubble of wishful thinking.


            Earlier today, we met. We watched movies, ate at this restaurant, walked, and fought... But before the big fight, I gave you a playlist that spells your name. I thought you would want it. You didn't say thank you. I doubt until this day if you have listened to it. Back to the story; we kissed when we are walking on the pathway with the falls, we sat and talked our plans on college. I told you, I was going away, but it won't be long. The blank expression of your face confused me. I thought we were okay. Later, we fought. I didn't know what started the fire. Maybe it's your hot temper, or maybe it's my cold ignorance. No matter how it started, it was over. I thought we'd fix this on the phone.

            "The reason why I agreed to go out with you today is to say goodbye. The Goodbye. Farewell, my love." I hate the way you texted me with confusion. Why were you saying goodbye anyway? Is it me, you, us, them? Who? I was crying in the van as the driver fetched me on our way home. I hate the way traffic is getting on my way, slowing down time, and making it more tormenting for me to realize that I cannot just cry in the car out loud. It's unfair the way you aren't affected and hurt as much as I am.

            On the way home, the sunny afternoon became dreary as it sets on the east of my house. I ran into the last room in my house so no one would hear me. I kept crying.

I didn't realize it has been three hours since I have been crying nonstop. Mayday Parade is on loop. The song circles through my mind again and again, making it seem fresh when the lyrics are sang ones again. "I'm bruised and scarred, save me from this broken heart. All my love will slow and fade and fall apart. Someone please, sing this lovesick melody. Call my name if you're afraid. I'm just a kiss away."

I went out of the secluded room then my sister hugged me tightly. "We heard everything." Apparently, everyone's out my door, concerned about my hysterical cries, and I just returned a smirk.

I kept thinking of the right "dignifying" suicidal attempts. Well, they all failed. 1, the kitchen knives are hidden somewhere I couldn't find. 2, the rope I tried to hang myself was loose. I tried hanging myself again, but consecutive failures are saving me. 3, at the tub, I tried to drown myself, but somehow, the sink has been sucking the water. I'm sure I tried to clog it before dipping myself. And so I concluded that it's stupid. You're stupid for letting me go. I'm stupid for letting you in (my life, and beyond my friendship radar.)


April 6, 2013

            6:28 a.m. You texted me about your final goodbye regarding why you left me; It seems to be filled with implied meaning that I was willing to read that time. Yet, the more I scroll through the texts, tears are just pooling from my eyes. "You deserve better." You told me. In fact, at the back of your mind, you tell yourself "I deserve better. So f*ck up b*tch." You're so cynical! I never even knew how and why I fell for you.

            I checked the album of our photos, wondering if you were really happy with me. I was. That's why I am this affected. 539 photos must go in the dump. I can't, I decided to keep them. Probably tell to myself one day that our story made me stronger, and here's the only evidence. I looked at our conversation. I tried tapped the trash bin but my phone shut down. Shiz! Even my phone cannot handle life without you? I borrowed my sister's phone to call your brother. I talked to him. He told me that even your parents were shocked at it. Your parents told you that it's okay, but wished he never showed up to me yesterday. Your mom told you that it's painful on my part. She's right. I asked your brother if you "cried" (as if.) You didn't. In fact, it seemed better to you, that way. You played your games on your pc, contacted your guy friends to party. Wow. What an ex-lover. Well, we're not exactly boyfriend-girlfriend, but indeed more than friends. Lovers? Perhaps.

            I clicked Adele's song, Chasing Pavements. That was the song playing when we were dancing on your school's ball, the same song playing when we had our first kiss. Fate is playing it. Cupid, I hate you more, because of you, I can't think straight.

"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere? Oh would it be a waste, even if I knew my place. Should I leave it there? Should I give up or should I just keep on chasing pavements?"

            I grabbed an issue of Candy Magazine in case I might get insights from it. Well, I just saw a model, carbon copy of you, LA Aguinaldo. I hate you both, because you look so idealistic. I threw away the issue on the floor and just cried.

            My heart feels like pressure is pushing it so hard. My heart tries to adjust with the new life I have to face. Not that I am coward without you, but I am used to being with you.

5:27 pm. It has been twenty-four hours. I doubt you know. I hate you!


May 2, 2013

            I'll break the New Year's Resolutions you gave me. I'd wear short skirts on my pre-birthday celebration. Anyway, I'll be seventeen next week. I'm a bit skinnier now, refraining from touching any meals offered at the table. I'm not thinking about you anymore. Yeah right.
            Everybody says I became prettier ever since we "broke up." You called everyone and told them we broke up, so I'm using that vocabulary since you used it first. I've moved on, quickly, I guess. I only wept for you for a month. Not my loss, actually.
            I cannot believe I'm so much free without you. I can wear whatever I want, act the way I can, go out with guys without knowing your stupid "matchmaking" opinions. They are my guy friends, how could you tell me that we have an affair when I am in love with you. Well, that was then. Today, it's just me and the party crew.
            "Nice legs, Tami." They say.
            "Thanks."
            I realized that I never showed you my legs. Well, hah! I guess I didn't reveal you every bit of my secrets.
            At the stereo, I played the song, Heart Attack of Sam Tsui and Against The Current, to somehow ease up my tensed hands. "But you make me wanna act like a girl, paint my nails and wear high heels for you. You make me so nervous that I just can't hold your hand." Woah, that's not my story, well, I don't know. This apple cherry punch is on the go!!!"So I'm putting my defenses up, cuz I don't wanna fall in love. If I ever did that, I think I'll have a heart attack."
            I'm loving this song more. I danced myself to the beat and screamed so loud like there is no tomorrow. Tsshhh, teenagers.
" The feelings are lost in my lungs. They're burning, I'd rather be numb. And there's no one else to blame. So scared, I take off and run, I'm flying to close to the sun, and I'm bursting to flames."
           
            In my party, I was, well, talking to no one. Everybody's got their talking crew, I don't. Is there something wrong with me? I shook my head. I'm fine, just lost.

June 17, 2013

            It has been seven years since I wanted to be this age. I feel so awesome--young, wild, and free. College feels extraordinary, different but limitless. My age is the day today. Wow. I tried to recap how was my summer.
1. I graduated High School
2. You broke up with me.
3. I slimmed down, I guess.
4. I travelled to Bangkok and L.A.
5. I accepted the fact that I like the model who looks like you, LA Aguinaldo.
7. I got fat again. Boo

            Today's to-do list: Humanities-->Listen to Sara Bareilles' Gotta Get Over You and Gwen Stefani's Cool without checking onto the music video. Observe the tune, mood, beat and emotions of the song.

            What a great homework! Okay, I'm quite sarcastic, but it's too so easy. I love humanities classes, even if I pursued B.S. Accountancy as my degree; I still love literature deep in my heart. The song won't even remind me of April's broken vows.
            I searched for Gwen Stefani's song first. "It's hard to remember how it felt before, now that I have the love of my life. Passes things get more comfortable, everything is going right. And after all the obstacles it's good to see you now with someone else. And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends. After all that we've been through, I know we're cool." I HOPE! It's not okay to be friends with your (ex) because it's hard. It is.

            As soon as the trumpets dropped, I searched for Sara's. Ooh upbeat, just like the old cartoon-ish intro songs. " Goodbye! Should be saying that to you by now, shouldn't I? Laying down a law that I live by, well, maybe next time. I've got a thick tongue. Brimming with the words that go unsung. I simmer then I burn for a someone...The wrong one. And I tell myself to let the story end. That my heart will rest in someone else's hand. But my 'Why not me?' philosophy began."
            Not a second passed, I cried. I typed w w w . f a c e  b o o k . c o m and clicked for your name on the chat list. "I just want to ask why you did it last summer?" You replied, "The what?" Oh how could you deny it! "Summer. The break up on the text!!!" The song is still playing.
"oh How am I gonna get over you, I'll be alright, just not tonight, but someday. Oh I wish you want me to stay."
            You replied, "I want to move on."  I asked, "Any specific reason?" You answered "None. Now can I get back to my HW?" I don't know you do your homework. How could you be so responsible now? "Sure." After fifteen seconds, "Sorry," you said. "For what?" I asked. "Nothing. Ok Bye." Your last reply." I typed "goodbye" and entered. Super ouch. It's like April again.
            But now I know for sure, we can never be back the way we were together. I won't give you that chance. I know you wouldn't even want to. Still, it's too much for me; you're forgiven but not forgotten.
            The pain of first love is disastrous. Many ask why didn't it work out? Many answers: You didn't give me enough effort, I didn't give you much time. You didn't offer me the love I need, I gave you as much as you needed. You gave me things to be angry about, I gave you reasons to be sad about. You expected me to be the perfect girl, I gave you the responsibilities of a bona fide man. We aren't the perfect couple. We might have an unending string of lovers and "victims" but you are the only first. You.
            You taught me a lot of things. First is how to ace a literary essay about unrequited love. Second is how I learned to love and accept myself first before searching for my other half. Third, you are a douche, I pray for your next long line of lovers. Fourth, but still, I'm happy I kissed the best kisser in town. Fifth, this is going to be the last line I will tell the world about you.

March 26, 2014

            3:36 p.m. Well, I'm planning for my first OOTD (outfit of the day) for this close up event, Close Up Forever Summer. I met can't believe I'm still 5'4, I haven't grew taller, yeah.
            Oh yeah, I just remembered, I have to post something about my first love. Eeww. But, I have to do it because I promised them. I opened my diary, read how disgusting it was to be in love with the past. It's great that the happiest people on Earth helped me to. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be okay. Even if I didn't listen to their earlier warnings about this guy, I am happy they still helped me find my way out of the dark world of break up.

            CFS will be EPIC! I checked the date. April 5, 2014. Wow, 2pm. It's the same time last year that he broke me. I can't believe it would be a year since I am single. Well, it's right that I must celebrate. A voice whispered to me, again. "See, I told you it would be better. You'll see your one and only soon. JUST, WAIT." I will. I am ready to face anything for genuine love. Hopes up. Expectations down.



Heartbreak Diaries Part 1: Don't Deny It! Heartbreak Diaries Part 1: Don't Deny It! Reviewed by Michelle Tan on 3:53 PM Rating: 5

3 comments:

  1. the guy who broke your heart is a jerk! you don't deserve this. I hope your true love, your The One, will come to your life on the right time. make sure that you stay humble, sweet, loyal, caring, understanding and loving!!! more powers to you .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree! you're so wonderful amd independent. good thing you've moved on

      Delete
  2. please write another " about me" post of you. you inspired my blockmates in college and we just wanna meet you. We're all creative writing students of DLSU hahaha. post ka pa!

    ReplyDelete

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